If I Could Only See You
by Romyvdh and Dionnevdv
Summary: This story is about Isaac after the dead of Augustus waters.


I heard everything. Every word they said. But I coudn't see them. I couldn't see the flowers on his coffin, I couldn't see the tears on Hazel's cheeks or from any of the other people. I couldn't see anything. The whole world was black to me.

'Isaac?' I heard my mom say. A second later I felt a hand on my shoulder. 'It's your turn,' I gave her a quick nod and felt how she led me. 'You can do it, honey,' she whispered, I heard how her voice was shaking. I nodded again, not really knowing what to say.

'Today we're here for Augustus Waters,' I started. 'Augustus Waters was a self-aggrandizing bastard. But we forgive him.' I heard a few quiet giggles and I smiled a bit. 'We forgive him not because he had a heart as figuratively good as his literal one was terrible, or because he knew more about how to hold a cigarette than any non-smoker in history, or because he got seventeen years when he should have gotten more.' I stopped and thought about how Gus corrected me at his pre-funeral, he thought he would have at least one more year. 'But I'll say this: when the scientists of the future show up at my house with robot eyes and they tell me to try them on, I will tell the scientists to screw off, because I do not want to see the world without him. And then, having made my point, I will put my robot eyes on, because I mean, robot eyes would be awesome.'

I threw away my speech paper (not that I needed it, I just wanted something to hold) and brought my hand to the place where my eyes would have been, sweeping away the tears. I heard footsteps coming my way and the next moment my mother helped me off the stage, back to my chair. When I were seated I felt someone grab my hand. 'You did a great job, Isaac.' I recognized Hazel's voice.

A moment later Hazel's hand left mine and I knew it was her turn.

It was three months later and I was back at the grave of Gus. I sat in silence, because I knew he wouldn't answer if I talked to him. It would always be like this, my mother dropping me of and me sitting at his grave in silence. In the beginning I talked to him, but after a few weeks I stopped, because I finally realized he was dead.

My best friend was dead and there was nothing I could do about it.

Hazel had a rough time and my presence only seemed to make her feel worse. She said I reminded her of Gus. I left her alone, which made me also feel worse. I promised Gus to take care of her when he would be dead, but I couldn't if she wouldn't let me.

'I'm sorry to disturb you, but do you mind me sitting next to you?'

I looked up, but of course I couldn't see anything. The voice sounded sweet and I immediately knew it belonged to a girl. She had an accent and she didn't sound like she was originally from America.

'Of course,' I told her. I heard a soft sound and I thought it was her sitting down.

'These flowers you have are beautiful,' she said. The way she pronounced _beautiful_ was weird, but I liked it.

'Thank you,' I replied 'But to be honest, I can't see them. I am blind you see. My mother picked them, I asked her to buy red roses. Wait,' I stopped myself from talking for a moment. 'They are red roses, aren't they?' I asked her.

For a moment I didn't hear anything, except the sound of our breathings. I heard her inhale very deep, as if she wanted to say something, but didn't know what.

'I am really sorry for you,' she said. I immediately got irritated by her. Everyone would always say that when I told them that I was blind. The never said anything else, it was always the same. _'I am sorry for you'_. I got sick of it.

Before I could react she continued, 'These roses are pink, not red.'

Now it was my turn to be the person who didn't know what to say. All my irritation vanished like frost under the morning sun. Even though it was already noon. She was different, and I liked it.

'I guess my mom picked the wrong ones,' I said with a little smile, kind of happy that she didn't said anything about the fact that I don't have eyes.

'Uhm would you mind if I talked to my grandmother?' she asked. Her voice was shaking, I think she was crying. Why would she asked me permission to talk to her grandmother? It was her grandmother, not mine.

'No of course not,' I told her. 'I used to talk to Gus, but your grandmother can't hear you, you know.'

She didn't reply but started to talk to her grandmother. Only she didn't talk American, she spoke some other language I didn't know.

I listened to the way she spoke, it was beautiful. I didn't understand a word of it, but it didn't matter. I stayed silent while she spoke, I didn't want to interrupt her. After a few minutes I heard her crying, clearly. I didn't know why, but I wanted to hug her.

'Can I do something for you?' I asked her quietly.

'No, don't worry, I'm fine,' she said, but she didn't sound fine. Girls always say they are fine, but they aren't. Why can't they just be honest?

I wanted to ask her about her grandmother, but at that moment my phone thought it was an awesome idea to make a sound. I took it out of my pocket and pressed the button on the side, my mother's voice came out of the phone.

'Isaac honey? Are you alright?' she asked immediately. I sighed very deep and answered;

'Yes mom, I'm totally fine. I'm still sitting at Gus's grave.'

My mother is always worried about me, yes I am blind, but I am not a baby.

'Well honey, I'll be there any moment, are you ready to leave?'

I nodded, but realised she couldn't see me, like I can't see it even if she is in front of me. 'Yes mom I am, could you only please wait a minute, I need to talk to someone.'

I hoped she thought I meant Gus, I didn't want to talk to her about the girl next to me. She would go crazy and would ask her every question in her mind.

'Of course, I'll wait. See you soon, love you,' she said and made kiss sounds. I told her 'I love you,' and she hang up. I put my phone back and moved my head to were the girls was sitting, well where I thought she was sitting.

'So your name is Isaac,' she said. Her voice wasn't shaking anymore, she sounded relieved to change the subject.

I smiled at her and nodded my head. 'Yes it is. What is your name, if you don't mind me asking?'

'My name is Kiara,' she said. I heard a zipper and the sound of tearing paper. It took some time, but suddenly a warm hand grabbed mine. She hold onto it for a few seconds and then my hand felt cold again. The only difference was that there was something in my hand, a little piece of paper.

'It is my number, I hope you will manage to call me. I just moved here so I don't know anyone. Maybe you can let me see the city one day.' she said. After a few seconds she realized her mistake.

'Oh sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I was just- 'before she could finish I interrupted her. 'It's okay, I know you didn't mean to hurd my feelings. Thanks for your number, I will find a way to call you.'

Later that week I was sitting in a local cafe. Kiara and I decided to meet up here. I already ordered a coffee, at least I hoped it was coffee, I didn't taste it yet. I heard the bell ring, the sign that someone entered the cafe. After the bell, I heard footsteps coming my way.

'Hi, Isaac.' I recognized Kiara's voice.

'Hey Kiara,' I replied with a smile. I heard that she was sitting down at the opposite side of me. 'Can I touch your face?' I asked, kind of joking. Even though I really wondered what she looked like.

'Uh, my face?' she asked, not knowing what I meant. 'Can I ask you why?'

'Of course you can ask, but maybe I won't ever answer.' I was obviously joking, but Kiara probably didn't got it. I waited a few seconds before she asked her question again.

'Okay then, why do you want to touch my face?' I heard some hesitation in her voice.

'So I can feel what it looks like. I'm blind, but there was a time I wasn't. I can still sort of imagine things.'

'Uh, okay then I guess...' A few seconds later I felt her hand grabbed mine. She actually didn't knew I was joking. Soon my hand touched her face and Kiara let go of my hand. 'How does that, uhm, feel?'

'I can already tell you that you have a beautiful face.' I stopped touching her face. 'But you knew I was joking, right?'

'Uh.' Silence.

'Right?' I asked her again.

'I nodded, I'm sorry. I forgot you can't see.' She sounded guilty, she sounded cute.

'Are you blushing?' I asked her with a half-smile, exactly how Gus used to smile.

'Maybe... Wait, how do you even know that?'

'It's a gift. They took my eyes and gave back the ability to let me feel how things look, without using my hands of course.' I said it like I was proud, which I kind of was.

'They? Who do you mean with they?'

'I don't know, the doctors I guess?' I let out a little sigh. 'Could you maybe hand me my coffee? Oh, and order something to drink for yourself, on my costs of course.' I felt the warm cup in my hand and a moment later I heard there was a waiter at our table.

'What may it be for the beautiful lady?' he asked.

'A coffee please,' Kiara ordered. I heard footsteps.

'Do also want something?' he asked me. He spoke very loud and clear, like I was a child.

'Listen sir, I only miss my eyeballs, I still have my ears you see? And the answer is no. If you still have both of your eyeballs, you can see that I have a cup of coffee here.' I raised my cup a bit and I heard cute giggles coming from Kiara. I heard the sound of footsteps fade away.

'Those waiters are even more irritating than the terrorist on _Counterinsurgence 2: The Price of Dawn,_ ' I told her. I remembered the time when I was at Gus' house and we tried to defeat the terrorist. That day Monica broke up with me, just because I was going to be blind.

'What is that?' she asked, a bit confused. Of course she didn't know what it is, she is a girl. Girl never play video games.

'Just a game I used to play, before I was blind.' I said. In reality it was more than just a game. I was totally addicted, but you can't play it if your blind.

We talked about other random things, except my non-existing eyes. It was fun to spend the day with someone who didn't know about my past and treated me like a normal person would do. I missed it.

One hour later, when we were discussing how to pronounce the word egg, I hear my mother's voice right next to me.

'Isaac honey, I am back. Are you ready to leave. We have to do some grocery shopping before we go home.' she said. I heard in her voice that she wanted to say something else, for example about the fact that we had to go to the hospital that night.

'Okay mom. I will be with you in just a minute,' I said, I wanted just a little bit of extra time to spend with Kiara before I would have to go.

'Hello, you must be Isaac's mother, my name is Kiara,' I heard Kiara introduce herself to my mother.

'Nice to meet you,' my mother said ' I didn't know you were a friend of Isaac. You can call me Isabel.'

I heard her exchange a few other words with Kiara, but I didn't listen to her. I was focussed on standing without bumping into someone. It happened before, and what happened after was rather strange. The person I bumped into was a guy, and he was gay. So the next moment he was flirting with me. It was very awkward and I pray to god that I will never meet him again.

'It was nice meeting you Kiara, maybe you can join Isaac, my husband and me for tea next week,' my mother suggested. Every Sunday we have tea together, it's a family thing and the only person she ever invited was Gus, which means she must really like Kiara as my friend.

'I would like that,' Kiara responded to my mother. We exchanged a _good-bye_ and left the cafe.

'She is a nice girl,' my mother said when we were seated inside the car. I wanted to ask her why she invited Kiara for tea, but when I opened my mouth to say something, nothing came out. So instead I asked her something else.

'What is her hair colour?'

I was very curious about it, I wondered about it since I met her.

'Her hair is blonde,' she answers 'And her eyes are a mixture between blue and green.'

Blonde. Her hair is blonde. I like blonde.

We were three weeks later now and everything was perfect. We saw each other almost every day and when we didn't, we would call. I learned a lot about her, and I also told her about Gus. It was hard, but I am glad I did. She told me that she is originally from the Netherlands, it explains why she has an accent.

I was sitting on bed, fingers crossed, waiting for Kiara to arrive. I would be pacing up and down if I had eyes. But we all know what happened, so I just sat on my bed. I heard the doorbell ring and a few minutes later the door to my room opened.

'Hey Isaac,' I was greeted by Kiara's happy voice. I love to hear her voice when she is happy, it is so much more beautiful.

'Hey Kiara, I am happy you're here, 'I told her. I reached my hand out for her to take it. We agreed to do that so I know where she is. I lost her twice before and thought she left the restaurant.

And maybe I insisted on doing it because I liked holding her hand.

But it doesn't matter why we held hands, we just did it.

'Kiara, I wanted to ask you something,' I stated a bit twitchy.

'Okay.' She said and squeezed my hand for support, like she already knew what I wanted to ask her. But she couldn't, was it that obvious?

'Do you want to be my girlfriend?' I couldn't look her in the eye. I was too nervous, and I didn't have eyes to do. But if I had eyes, I would avoid looking into her eyes.

I waited in silence. She was quiet, for a very long time. It felt like hours passed by while I waited for an answer. It reminded me of Monica, only she screamed _Yes_ before I could finish my sentence. Maybe it is a good sign that she was taking so long to answer, Monica broke up with me after all.

'I'm sorry Isaac, but I don't think I want to be in a relationship right now,' she said, the next moment she let go of my hand.

'But, why?'

I think that I sounded and looked like a lost puppy. Why did she said no?

'Well I wanted to tell you this for a very long time, but I just couldn't find the right moment. I really tried to tell you, but every time you interrupted me. And every time we meet you are so happy that I don't want to ruin your happiness. It is very hard for me to tell you this, but I don't think I have another choice right now. I already have a boyfriend. He is Dutch and I'm going back to the Netherlands, tomorrow. I only came here for a few weeks. I really liked spending time with you, but I think it is the best if I go now.'

I didn't know what to say. I was speechless. I felt so stupid, how could I fall in love with someone who is already in love with someone else.

'You lied to me,' I whispered, a tear sliding down my cheek. 'I thought you liked me, but you didn't.'

'I wanted to be friends, I thought we could be friends. But with just one question, you just ruined everything. I wish you had eyes so you could see how dumb you are. I wish to never see you again.' She almost screamed to me.

She blamed me. She thinks this is my fault. IT IS HER FAULT!

'Well if you had just said that you have a boyfriend, this would have never ever happened. And about my eyes, at this moment I am happy that I don't have them so I don't have to see your ugly face,' I screamed to her. I really don't like her anymore.

'GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!' I shouted at her while pointing to where I think the door was. I heard it slam a moment later and let myself fall to the ground. I didn't even realize that I stood up.

Tears flew down my cheeks.

What felt like hours later, I heard my phone ring. 'Kiara is calling, Kiara is calling,' my phone said.

'Ignore call,' I sniffed. I dried my cheeks with the back of my hands and stood up. 'Mom?'

I heard footsteps and an opening the door. 'Isaac, what's wrong? Oh Isaac, honey?'

I knew she saw that I cried and I felt her hand resting on my shoulder. 'Can you please help me to the living room?'

'Sure, honey. Take my hand I will help you.' I nodded at her and reached out for her hand. I felt her fingers enclosing mine and I stood up. She led me to the living room and let me sit on the couch.

I felt like throwing eggs at her car, I wanted to do it so badly. Just like with Monica, it felt so good to throw eggs at her car. I wanted to do it again, only Kiara's car this time.

It was evening and I was 'watching' tv with my parents. Every time there was a pause my mother or father told me what happened. It's okay, but I would prefer to lie in bed and cry. But my parents were determined that I would 'watch' this movie with them. Lucky me.

'Do you want some popcorn?' I heard my father yell. He was probably in the kitchen to grab some food.

'Salt?' I yelled back to him. He responded with a _Yes_ and I yelled back that I would love to have popcorn. I'm addicted to popcorn, but only salt, all the others are gross.

He walked back to the living room and put the bowl on my lap. I began eating the popcorn and it was delicious.

The movie continued and everything was fine, until my phone started to ring. 'Kiara is calling, Kiara is calling,' it said.

I didn't know what to do, was I going to answer her or ignore her?

'Honey, your phone,' my mother said. 'I think you should answer it, maybe she wants to apologize.'

I wanted to answer, but I also didn't want to answer. It was Kiara. Was that even her real name or did she lie about that as well.

'Answer call,' I finally spoke, my voice shaking.

'Hello is this Isaac?' a voice came out of the phone, but it wasn't Kiara. This person didn't even know how to pronounce my name properly.

'Yes this is Isaac, where is Kiara?' I asked worried. Why was this women calling with Kiara's phone?

'Well Isaac, I'm sorry but,' she stopped talking. It sounded like she was crying? 'I'm Kiara's mom and Kiara has been in a car accident. She tried to call this number and bumped into another car. She drove 30 miles too fast and ended up in a coma immediately.' She stopped talking and I heard her sniffing. I didn't know what to say. Kiara tried to call me and bumped into a car? Was it my fault? It probably was. I was sure. What if she never woke up again? All my fault. First I lost Gus to the dead. Then I lost Hazel, because she didn't want to talk to me for a while. Then I lost Kiara because she didn't want to be my girlfriend and already had a boyfriend. And then I lost her to a freaking coma! What if lost her now to the dead, like Gus?

I dropped my phone without answering and starting crying, for the second time today.

 _ **THE END**_


End file.
